Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize