Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
