My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I can text with my tongue
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
