I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
