i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
