how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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