i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
