Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
