can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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