Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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