so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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