walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
