so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
