you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
