don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
