Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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