I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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