I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
