her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
