so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
