but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
