Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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