She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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