i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
