Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
