Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
