headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
