The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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