Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
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