i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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