Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
