We won't sleep together?
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
