This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry my hands just texted you
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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