I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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