Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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