Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
