You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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