non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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