My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
