just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize