I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I puked a lego.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
