You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
