Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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