I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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