Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize