I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
