One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
