um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
