should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
