I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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