Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Hippo gnu deer
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
