Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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