She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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