The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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