I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
When are your genitals available?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
