Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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