All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I can feel your judgement through the phone
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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